Question: why is there a dildo glued to my kitchen table?
is it weird that i blow-dry my hair and poop at the same time?
not any weirder than you telling me this at 4 in the morning
i don't think my life will be extraordinarily more meaningful if i let him put his tongue in my butthole.
im gonna call it quits for tonight... I am so drunk I dont even have the motor skills to masturbate
Someone played tic tac toe on my abs?
He asked me out while I'm back in town. I have to acknowledge and honor his persistence.
Your vagina must be laced with cocaine...
And by go well you mean everyone's hammered right?
Yupp. And someone's bleeding
I'm going to need a Jurassic park sized pooper scooper to deal with all this shit last night caused.
I have this rep as a wingman for a reason. I'm like a poon caddy. "You might want to use a 9 iron on this hole. "
Why are there so many fucking Lambchop puppets hidden around my house?!
Fuck I forgot the furry convention was this weekend and now I'm downtown. Way too high for this shit.
Can I trade you chipotle for a pregnancy test?
I can guarantee he will smoke me out and I won't feel bad about it because he gets to touch my butt.
I’m honestly just flattered that you think I could make PornHub’s Top 10.
Is 10AM too early for pizza and Dr. Pepper?
Only if 5PM is too early to be drunk. And when has that ever stopped us?
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