Was going to watch Bolt. Fucked a stranger instead. Details later.
So you didn't like Bolt?
you told me to make out with him to promote the social success of the sorority
she definitely blew him on the riverbank, some lady floated past and said "have some pride honey", amazingly awkward
he made me have a moment of silence for the half of my ice cream cone i threw away.
He could have been a one armed faceless howler monkey. I was so slammered that I didn't care what I was having sex with or if whatever it was... was doing it right.
Jus saw ur date getting a bj in the mcdonalds parking lot...u want anything?
I need to ask my mom where the drain cleaner is, but I'm afraid she'll ask why and the answer to that will just be "cum."
I'm running on jager fumes right now. It's like I put diesel in a prius and said fuck it.
He snapchatted me the wine on the ceiling this morning
You peed on a pole and declared to a cop that it was your pole and yelled at him to not even look at it, and then yelled at all of us for looking at it.
My pubic hair is shaved into the shape of mistletoe.
I hope that's a joke and if not I need a snap of it
I think someone tried to make a huge bowl of ramen in my bathtub. There's noodles everywhere in my bathroom.
Last night I was introduced as the Picasso of getting fucked up so I obviously had to live up to it by chugging long islands
Yeah so then I used the selfie stick his mom gave me to take nudes
Just took an Adderall with Pedialyte so I think that's a valid answer to "how are you doing"
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