checking your phone to see who you drunk dialed last night isnt as funny when you see you had a 17 minute call to your dad.
the dr. explained that the first big patch is called a herald patch since it's biggest. So his name is Harold the Patch.
Wow. You named your rash.
wait so...it's like an actual thing to masturbate using the detachable shower head? WTF I thought I was being creative!
So my retainer doesn't fit, so i'm getting drunk so i can put it back in. Alone.
You would...
Honestly, I don't care whether it was a guy or a girl. Best blowjob ever.
Was I wearing clothes when I handed you your keys. Please tell me I was wearing clothes.
get over here now. the boys are doing shots of everclear, chasing with monster, and some dude jsut walked in with a backpack full of tattoo gear.
I woke up spooning my guard tube. Tell me I'm not the most dedicated lifeguard ever
I just found like 5 packs of sparklers. If someone doesn't get set on fire tonight I am retiring from party hosting.
I just want to steal his innocence through his penis. I really do.
WHY AM I THE ONLY ONE CONCERNED ABOUT THE SEAGULL IN THE OVEN
True enough. Do you ever think that these girls grandparents ghosts are watching you masterbate to their granddaughters and look at you in Shame?
Last time Jon threw a party I woke up on my porch, no shirt but 4 bras on, and "make better life choices" written on my stomach in sharpie
You might be at the point of severe desperation when you gotta hold the two pieces of your broken vibrator together just to get off.
There comes a point, as I lay on the floor of the work disabled toilets contemplating catching 10 minutes sleep between chunders, that I wonder if its really worth it
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