this morning my mom told me to get a new vibrator because mine was too loud last night
i fell asleep watchin iron chef that was the blender she heard. i dont even own a vibrator
i think i should save myself the $200 for a prom dress. i mean why bother. its just going to be covered in vodka/jizz/and puke by the end of the night.
She volunteers at a homeless shelter. You volunteered to drink 7 day expired milk for $3. No chance. Give up.
No... No really he actually thought the condom was meant for his hand...
When I say I took advantage of you when you were drunk, I mean that I convinced you to let me paint cute little panda bears on all of your toenails.
can't blv i tried using a "backpack" as a unit of measurement...i drank a lot of beer last night
Also I owe you 20 bucks, a clean towel and a glass of scotch. I'll even throw in a blow job
The site I use to study flash cards keeps showing ads for truck companies hiring drivers. It's like the site is saying "hey, we all know there's no hope for you, just give up and Become a truck driver."
I'd rather blow Nickelback than be told he gave me gonorrhea. I'd even post it on Facebook for all of the world to like, share, and judge me.
I'M MAKING HIKING PLANS WITH THE GIRL WHO IS DATING MY EX, THAT IS PERSONAL FUCKING GROWTH
I changed his name in my phone to "Irrelevant" last night. Not changing it back.
Just had an oven catch fire while I was balls deep. Fire department came, I did not.
I AM BEING ACCOSTED BY A HUMMING BIRD
I AM IN MILD DISTRESS
i asked my neighbor to open a bottle of vodka once and then we slept together
I need a significant other who'll eat Skittles from my boobs
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