I was thinking about him in the shower then i get out of the shower and there was a text from him
its like he has a camera inside of my shower that looks into my brain
Either I'm a lot drunker than I thought, or he has three dicks....
I think I'm gonna have to go with the first one...
and i'm pretty sure he drank the lava lamp
You'd think if the campus holds 28,000 undergrad I wouldn't run into three people I've hooked up with in one day
Apparently, my drunken 3AM idea of safety is to send a GPS map of my location to someone 700 miles away. Seriously considering death as a viable alternative to this hangover. Death or Yuengling.
You kept trying to use my cat as a napkin.
Holy. Crap. I just found a hickey on my bikini line. He never got my pants off. WHO IS THIS MYSTICAL HOOKUP WIZARD?
I feel like I missed the land of milk and honey and instead wound up in the land of beer and pizza. And yet, I think I'm happier here.
Going to the ER, I'll explain later but apparently drunk me isn't allergic to peanut butter.
Who breaks their ankle the day before a beach wedding? This guy. Maybe this is karma for fucking someone's wife? Idk.
He added me on LinkedIn while I was baking weed brownies in the boxers he left here... Is this adulthood?
Just because you have put things in my vagina does not mean you know me
Definitely accidentally brought drugs into Disneyland. Considering using them.
And Mike keeps telling Will that love at first sight is true and this is just a shit show. Help.
I'm sitting in the car vaping at an elementary school to try and deal with the stress of existing. About how i thought being 30 would go for me tbh
Randomize
