I'm watching harry potter...good thing I already know I'm gay
Dude, we have the same penis size. Best friends for life.
If it wasnt for meatballs I would have fucking killed myself already.
my secret santa just gave me a pregency test
lady crackhead wearing pjs and a santa hat brushed the snow off my car at 7am saying "free of charge" the whole time
i kind of just want to tell my cleaning lady I'm an alcoholic so it's not awkward when I stumble out of my room to go sit in my car for 2 hours and wait for her to finish cleaning the several empty bottles of wine in my room
I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
Do you not remember you showing everyone in the bathroom your period stained underwear? I'd say you were pretty happy it came
Drinking wine in my childhood bed getting ready to go to sleep in order to wake up for my menial temp job. Thanks, college degree, I can handle the real world.
My 16 year old coworker just told me I should take my job more seriously after she watched me puke in the backroom trash can. Fuck teenagers with morals.
Do you remember Kelly my alter personality? She talked like a man and would sing amazing grace?
i was giving head the other day and thought of your all penis tastes the same quote and couldnt stop laughing
Well, I'm hung over and my penis hurts - two signs of success
She's sent me the same nudes using the same gestures and positions... It's like she has a template for her sluty-ness
Woke up in my boxers on a subway with a phone number written on my arm in lipstick..Best Night EVER.
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