I learned much from the teen babysitter: I can light a cigarette in a microwave.
we were spooning and you were the big spoon but you insisted that I call you "the ladle"
The worst part is I think my tongue cut his penis and now he wont talk to me.
Just saw a girl leaving CVS on her bike with a case of beer. She tried to ride one handed with the case under her other arm and fell over off the sidewalk. I'm glad to see someone else's life is a bigger joke than mine.
ah. the first shower back home is like a baptism from the sins of the past year
I feel like I owe it to them to wear pants.
doing an easter egg hunt in a liquor store right now. i feel so adult
Bro she gave me the stare. It's like she boned me with her eyes. I'm going in.
After 3 dates I think I'm failing at painting the "sweet guy with a future" picture and more painting the "this is the guy to call when you've run out of options and want to get fucked in half drunk to forget about it" picture.
he ate me out like 4 times and told me that my vagina "was too much fun".
By far the fardest thing to do drunk is open a band aid
that's what I'm here for. I'm literally just bad advice mixed with motivational sentences.
Threesomes are not as fun as you'd think. I left with a black eye and I'm not sure who's to blame.
Her blowjob technique? Picture someone attempting to drink a triple thick milkshake through a Capri Sun straw.
If he isn’t into CosPlay he will be after tonight. That naughty nurse outfit heals broken hearts
Randomize
