My 10 year old son gave me a bottle of jameson for fathers day. Did you have something to do with this?
He was dressed as ron burgundy and his pickup line was "dont worry, i wont make you jump in a bear pit."
At some point tonight the bad ideas in my head became bad decisions that happened outside my head
Pot head idea of the day: make a maraca out of weed seeds. Or a rain stick? Definitely rain stick.
I hooked up with some guy to get over my ex last night. I was terrified until we started doing naked pushups.
Apparently I stole windex from the cab driver. Klepto Tom strikes again.
Man my junk looks like a mangled grapefruit right now, this shit sucks.
CONGRATULATIONS! You have won: pictures of my nipples!
Every little girl dreams of the day when she picks up her fuck buddy because he's drunk at the gay bar again.
He ripped down his Kate Upton poster while we were having sex last night. Im gonna take that as a good sign.
Let this be a lesson to you, parmesan cheese crumbles are not a good substitute for coffee creamer, no matter how high you are
I'm so festive that I used my jack o lantern bucket as a just in case barf bin
so evidently blowing a guy does not mean he will say hi to you when he sees you in class.. in case you're ever wondering
I wanna eat mushrooms and cuddle with a million dogs at once. I wanna know what heaven is like
What??! Dude I'm not having you barging in at like 2 am smelling of cigarettes and disappointment to sleep on my couch and then have an awkward morning with my wife while I'm at work.
Touché sir
Randomize
