I hope to God it wasnt poon. That odor was unnatural, it was satanic pussy.
I just realized that this morning is the first morning i've put on underwear in a week.
I love summer.
omg i hate the new neighbors. why cant a bitch just be hungover in peace on a wednesday morning.
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
Getting up is taking longer than anticipated. Alcoholic fish bowls have made getting out of bed a multitstep process.
I heard him say "bet you won't", look over 10 seconds later and she's blowing him.....looked eloquent under the glow of a camp fire.
I took 36 pictures of my lava lamp. your weed wins.
If you're not peeing in public bi-monthly, you're not really living.
YOU'RE CHANGING THE SUBJECT. I CAN BLOW SOMETHING UP OR I CAN TELL HIM YOU LOVE HIM, BUT ONE OF THE TWO IS BOUND TO HAPPEN
THIS IS A TERRIBLE REWARD FOR NOT GETTING PREGNANT.
My body hates me. Pretty sure I drank 3 pitches full of coffee last night and took two adderal. I slept and ran a marathon at the same time. You should see my bed.
If I were better looking, this would be the point where I'd resign myself to stripping.
You're never gonna guess who's blood is on my shirt
Why do I feel like I really don't want to hear the end of this...
If you can give me an orgasm, you'll get a trophy.
Sooo...you're driving 6 hours for free booze?
Don't judge me.
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