I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
so they are in my phone as twin 1 and twin 2. but i forget which is which. did i put them in order of who I hooked up with first, or who is sexier? cause i'm not trying to text the one with the girlfriend
1st off, theyre identical. 2ndly, have i ever told you that youre a huge slut? hope that helps
We were making out when she went into convulsions. At least now I know she's allergic to peanuts.
theres a kid face down in the middle of campus... people are going about their day and paying no attention to him
ill do whatever it takes for me to get more high and eat pie
Don't let me forget to bring the toilet inside tonight.
We still going to Happy Hour
Idk. I can't because it doesn't fit in my schedule of sleeping or throwing up
Dude, this guy showed up with a 40 and stayed for two days. I want that lack of responsibility
He texted me at 2am telling me to come get my American flag from his place, if that's not code for sex idk what is
I wore sunglasses to take a shower. I might be hungover.
I may have just masturbated while on hold with the IRS. don't judge me
I paper cut my nipple reading mail topless
You have thirteen minutes to get here if you want to get back together. Otherwise I'm getting digits from the waitress.
Randomize
