Ok, so for future reference, in Rome, "piano bar" means "brothel".
we did rock-paper-scissors to see who would find out if you had alcohol poisoning
He lectured me about the dangers of drugs while wearing a sombrero and doing interpretive dance.
What's the appropriate way to phrase "If you ever leave your wife give me a call. But we can still have sex periodically until then."??
I still can't believe you had sex with someone who willingly went by Peaches.
Did you mean to cry when you finished last night? Or were you just that drunk?
Last thing I remember is beer bonging sangria. Dear God.
Why we can't turn this into a healthy friendship where I cheat on my boyfriend with you and you feel better knowing everything wrong with my life is beyond me.
Thanks for letting me in last night. I was drunkenly sleepwalking.
Are you alive?
I woke up under the pier.
Ever the responsible adult, I just realized that today is the Obamacare deadline, but I'm too high to handle insurance now.
You showed up at my front door in a bikini with a fifth of tequila it was like the opening to a porno
There is nothing wrong with watching parks and rec all day then getting blackout drunk by night
Maybe the "i killed someone" and "tequila makes my clothes come off" comments freaked him out.
I can barely operate my hands; what makes you think I can operate my dick
Randomize
