My life is like the prequel to "40 Year Old Virgin"
You tried to get the stranger on the sea bus to give you a bite of his chicken sub by repeating over and over "im in a girl band"
Admitting I go to nursing school is my subtle way of saying, yes, I know every muscle in your penis and how to effectively use them.
He was sitting at the table eating ice and said, "I'm pretty sure everyone in my family has nipples."
I was grinding on people that were grinding. Nonconsensual.
The bong is packed and it's taco Tuesday come over
I just had to explain to an 70+ year old lady what 'coitus' was. This was not in my job description.
for some reason leaving your socks onmakes it less meaningful.
He called me saying he got nice rims for his car so now we can fuck in style
It's only ok to pee out the window in the afternoon when you're drunk.
He took some pill and now he's on all fours demanding we give him chips from the dog bowl. Come get him.
Currently doing the walk of shame out of some random girls house with my boyfriend. Talk about relationship goals.
Went to bed in my room fully clothed, woke up naked in the kitchen with the dog looking unamused.
Did you really have to freak out and get up half way through to put the cat in the closet?
...
They were shocked that I could handle my liquor so well. I'm half Irish and half Russian. This is what I'm made for
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