Do you know my vagina holds 14 pints of water?
It was literally me in an evening gown and him in a tux with six bottles of Vodka at Jons.
And this was for your brother's Christening?
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
When we were finished I asked him how long it had been since he'd cum that hard. He thought really hard for a while before telling me his brain forgot how years worked.
Like I want to yell at him for pissing on my floor but there's still a chance its my pee....
he bit THROUGH my nipple
plus side, no need to pay for a piercing.
So, got kind of drunk last night, made out with some guy, and somehow stole his credit card. Don't even know.
The awkward moment when a lady ask you what kind of lipliner you're using, but really I have just finished eating hot cheetos.
Cooked. Eating pizza. Didn't have a napkin so I took my shirt off and I'm using it.
His dick is pure magic - dark, powerful, beautiful magic. It's the Elder Wand of penises
Please tell me I did not drink enough whiskey to think that having sex with my boyfriend while his best friend was on the floor next to us was a good idea.
Just paid for birth control in all ones do you think she is judging me?
I literally have a pirate chest of slutty clothing.
My theme for the night was drink diego drink! Unfortunately Dora was not there to navigate me to the bathroom
Is it too much to ask to have a life partner who has both male and female sex organs that looks cute and sounds like a female Antonio Banderas and likes to get weird?
Randomize
