I was thinking about baking his mom "sorry you found out i was sleeping with your son" cupcakes
I'm hiding behind a bush in mens clothing next to a ducks crossing sign. There are joggers. Please hurry.
you were standing in two feet of water, screaming at people walking by to "call river rescue".
Im covered in vodka and melted gummys. Fuck summer.
My only regret is that I have but one penis to give to your vagina.
Is it weird to say that getting an std with you was kinda romantic?
You put your finger on my lips and told me 'the butt is nature's pocket'.
I don't remember that at all, but I stand by what I said
So I've discovered that being hungover at 25 feels the same as being hungover at 24. Happy Birthday to me.
I refused to call him anything but Drake eyebrows all night.
I don't know how Dave is alive, I feel like he's been drinking since I met him.
think before you get married my friend it's my birthday and just got done jacking off
Just fantasized about my boss's fingers in a meeting. I desperately need to get some.
He turned on read receipts specifically so i'd know he was ignoring me.
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
Well that didn’t go as expected.
I mean, it ended in you giving each of them a blowjob, so it kinda did.
Randomize
