I'm eating tomato paste and drinking banana juice that is expired. Can we please get groceries tonight?
Waiting outside the STD clinic 30 min before it opens already in a line up. It's like were all waiting for a concert that no ones really pumped for
dude that bald bouncer just did a body shot off of brian and then kicked us out for trying to charge him for it
I think my multiple attempts of taking his life, no matter how unintentional they were, has put a damper on our friendship
Seriously this night has "go home now before you cry, puke or scream on someone" written all over it.
we have to top last new years. except im not ready for jail. that can wait a couple years
I wish we knew morse code and could knock to each other through the wall
Hypothetical Question: Would you take a cougar bullet for me?
I SHOULD NOT BE HAVING AN EXISTENTIAL CRISIS OVER PIZZA
I'm just trying to win a butt plug dude
He yelled "I'm Bruce Springsteen!" when he came. This is why I don't sleep with guys from Jersey.
It's okay, big boobs are better than running.
You had sex with a Scottish dude with a peg leg....how could I NOT tell that story??
Get here now. There’s a guy dressed as Captain Morgan handing out miniature bottles of Captain Morgan.
im going to smoke a cigarette and reflect on my life choices
Randomize
