Dude this girl just said she'd take me to pleasure town while giving me head
Will Ferrell is probably jerking himself off somewhere wishing he was you
they could make at least 3 episode of "i shouldn't be alive" out of my weekend
It was like the Ritz Carlton of jails. I got introduced to our criminal system the right way.
He just made me a heart out of cocaine... i think i'm in love
I'm not giving my ex her earrings back. If some chick i hated gave me brownies i would still eat them. It's the same thing.
whenever he goes down on me he looks at me and I just want to poke him in the eyes
Not exactly sure why you felt the need to get the halloween decorations out. But waking up to 7 carved pumpkins really scares the shit out of you.
My life is over. I farted in open court. Noticeably. The judge looked at me. It echoed.
I would feel worse for you if you weren't waking up between a pair of double Fs that attached to a classically trained chief. Im still jacking off eating hot pockets.
You want to complain about your sex life to me? Right now mine consists of trying to masturbate lightly enough not to wake her up with bed shakes. Go. Fuck. Yourself.
Sometimes I really think that if... When your stoned you have a catlike ability to just relax in any position
I wasn't that drunk.
You were calling my cat 'Simba' and holding him up in the air.
the next morning his mother came in to tell me that she made breakfast. she told me to put my clothes on too. awkward.
He was talking about his friends deceased ferret and I still managed to orgasm.
Now THAT is dedication!
Apparently his ex was into edging and did it to him so much that it takes forever for him to cum
I hate you and your multiple orgasm sexcapades
Randomize
