My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
tonight, alcohol would be proud of us
Tis a story best told in person, it involves a golf course, police and vomit
It usually does with you
Just wanted to remind you that you literally cut the underwear off a man.
Well the good news is my "i'm an adult" dinner party went well, they all brought wine and complimented my cooking abilities. the bad news is i woke up with the leftovers in my bed/on my face
On a separate but also a very relevant note, can we practice drinking wine like real people?
Nope. If I'm going to drive an hour to fuck a teacher, it will NOT be missionary thats for damn sure.
I have a new philosophy. Fuck wearing bras, it's summertime.
i think the theme of this summer is "shitting in weird locations."
They just broke the window so they could get in and smoke the taxi driver out...
Nothing tops off the night like giving emotional and spiritual guidance to a 70 year old transvestite.
I woke up and sent him a text that said 'I'm sorry forever'
I was on the verge of being completely over him and then he went and made his Instagram not private... ITS LIKE HE KNEW
Yeah i like want to be friends with him. And if we have sex in the physics library well thats fine with me
She thinks you guys are the gods of the bathroom. If she runs past you naked, give me a heads up
Dude they are making elephants out of dollar bills. I'm way too high for this
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