Most awkward sex ever...
And im texting you in the middle.
i passed out on the floor in my hallway and woke up with my dog licking himself 2 inches from my face. my first reaction? envy
my tampon string is in my asshole... do you think i can get it out without anyone noticing?
i'd get off the bar first.
I just saw a guy wearing a tuxedo shirt under his overalls. That is true iowa class right there
MTV Made just made me cry. Where have all of my life goals gone?
there was this guy running across campus barefoot in the pouring rain stepping in all the puddles. i want his life. and i want to be stripper.
i told my boss i want to eat her tits. 90 percent sure i'm getting fired
i wasn't about to bring her gummy handcuffs to her father's funeral
why didn't you tell me his penis tasted like oreos?
Does anyone know why "math wizard" is written on my arm?
I almost took a picture but it looked like he might have a shank and I'm just not at a place in my life where I could handle having tetanus
He compared my blow job skills to finding gold treasure in a gold chest, so there's that.
The best part about theater chicks is nothing is too cliche or out of line. I just fucked her Braveheart style in my entry way while saying goodbye.
Just got done being naked and Mooning the cops. I'm still alive. Let's drink.
When you're as high as I am right now brushing your teeth is both magical and fucking terrifying
Randomize
