It was like his mom forgot to breastfeed him and he was making up for lost time.
We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
I want you to know that after i type the word "your" vagina is next on my predictive tex
Maybe she got knocked up by accident. I still refuse to believe that anyone actually INTENTIONALLY gets pregnant.
Literally just spent 45 minutes converting my paintball gun to shoot condoms....
we need to drink more beer. the fridge wont close.
You would ignore him even if it wasn't NoManUary. It could be the Winter of a Thousand Dicks and you wouldn't talk to that guy.
The Winter of A Thousand Dicks sounds terrifying!!!
You handed me a red solo cup filled with vodka and Bacon. You called it the salty Russian.
Did you blow the guy you weren't supposed to hook up with again in the bathroom of pita pit? Cause that happened last night...
He tried to do the do on me last night and my exact words were "stay away from my princess parts. they're renovating."
NOBODY TALKS SHIT ABOUT PANDA EXPRESS
The bar tender had his entire hand down your asscrack.
I forgot about that. I was in MULTIPLE dimensions.
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
No dude shes like 5 feet tall and maybe 100 pounds... Normally i wouldnt be scared but someone gave her a bat. Thats why im in the bathroom
I'm her ex, so unless you're interested in her massive moral failings and open season vagina, I'm not your guy.
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