he was like "finding out that arrested development was cancelled" bad
New dating criteria: what kind of ex will this person be?
It was just a squirrel
You act like its normal to see a squirrel in the bar
I tried telling the cop that I don't do drugs, and that if he'd just take me home I could prove it by showing him my D.A.R.E. certificate.
Guess what happened to me today at work?
I have chlamydia. What happened.
Oh lets talk about your news first. Mine is happy so it should go second.
I have a pocket in my purse that is just for condoms and cocktail swords. I feel like that speaks volumes about me as a person
I'm calling in my "fuck at anytime anywhere" card. Meet me at my place in 20 min, wear your Waldo costume.
Is it socially acceptable to break up with someone over snapchat?
No you don't understand. This tree is really alive. Like in Pocahontas.
I'm 2 beers deep on an empty stomach, and I just wanna say, I pride myself on my use of commas
Also I can show up hungover, fall asleep at my desk, and smell like a bottle of whiskey, and they still like me more then my shitty co worker
I just wrote the Drag Queen from Saturday Night on FB and apologized for licking her. Weirdest thing I have ever typed...
I think I'm going to call this chapter of my life story "Weekday day-drinking in the park isn't just for the homeless!"
You called your ex, and talked to her for an hour about how you miss her, came back inside and asked the girl with the biggest tits if you could take a pic with your face in them and sent her the picture.
Nothing like ripping open the box with your keys on a sat R train and throwing back the morning after pill with some coconut water on my way to work at a fitness studio for free
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