He made me pinky-promise that he gave me an orgasm.
I feel like every car around me knows I'm driving in my snuggie
I just remembered before I gave him head I couldn't find a hair tie and he offered to hold my hair up. Maybe we were wrong.. Maybe he does have a heart.
just stole 2 cases of forties from some freshman in the woods by pretending to be a cop. that ten dollar spotlight is really turning a profit
If you try to operate on me with a Bic pen and vodka, I'm never talking to you again
I found out you can't leave the bar with a drink. I also found out that pouring it on the bouncers shoes is also unacceptable.
you sat in the middle of your kitchen floor feeding your dog blueberries one by one
I spent the whole weekend building houses out of popsicle sticks for my bowls. How was your weekend?
Bro... You handed me an ice cube from your drink and said "tell me if it tastes like pickles".
Ya I don't think I'm going anywhere, a cum towel, beer, and Vicodin was just exchanged in our white elephant present game
I could go for watching some naked price is right. Looks like a good time to me.
I "liked" his changed relationship status just to show him I'm ok with the fact he found someone not as pretty as me
It's important to establish I slept with her BEFORE we officially became cousins-in-law.
...and now I welcome the sweet embrace of death.
Whiskey. Because sometimes it's fun to have your hands go numb.
Randomize