Tell her she's as useless as a condom.
He jizzed my face. I had to ask for a washcloth. He ran his underwear under the water and handed them to me. Not so romantic.
I just realized that if I marry him I will have the same last name as spiderman. this makes my decision so much harder.
the last girl i hooked up with and the last guy i hooked up with are hooking up right now. this is where bisexuality becomes a problem.
I'm too drunk to be surrounded by this many indians
How do you manage to be drunk and a racial minority so often?
She punched my vomit. In midair. Back into my mouth.
Just heard the girl at the bar cuss her bf out and order a long island ice tea. Going to give it 5 min then I'm going in. See you on the other side.
i ran into my coworkers when i was walking home last night. i was shirtless. i think i gave my shirt to Walter. he's a cat.
im still drunk. birthday week begins.
He told me he wanted to sober fuck the shit outa me... I took that as a compliment
Two people confessed their love to me last night. Drunk is a good color on me
Sometimes I actually rage on Tuesday, come back, and do homework drunk and pull an all nighter.
When she tells her friend, "hey I'll be back tomorrow, just going to fuck a guy", right in front of you, you know you've got a winner.
Thanks for reminding me of all the hookups my brain has been trying to suppress...
That's what friends are foooooooor!
Need ride home. Girls. Stolen keg. Rolling down streets. Horny girls. No condoms. Rescue needed. girls and beer in exchange for rescue and bacon?
I. Hate. You. Where are you, are said girls cute, and how did you know I bought bacon? And how does this always happen to you?
Smarter than the average bear
You did what with his pubic hair?
Randomize
