Why do guys in porn never have boxers on?
better question: why do you always text me when you're watching porn
Grown men dancing to Spice Girls and a girl wearing one shoe. I belong here
it makes more sense than having a misplaced asshole
im not talking about this
every time i wear that dress i get kicked out of a bar.
And my cat won't make me food. She's a bitch
Teflon bitches. Nothing fucking sticks to this kid, not even a kid. Maury Povitched this shit outta that situation.
HELP! How do I get paint off the dog?
and then at some point during the night I ended up holding a baby
Why was a baby at a karaoke bar, and were you wasted?
only slightly. thats not the point. it was a cute baby.
Well someone is clearly not winning the parent of the year award here
so "excuse the stench" wasn't the correct thing to say when your boyfriend's parents walk in on you shitting. Live and learn
Sally, Your mom and my mom hooked up in college, we must uphold this tradition.
Sometimes you just gotta get high and go to a planetarium. Why can't he understand that?
Welp, just took a tab of acid and cracked one of three bottles of champagne... Mondays ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯
Don't worry, I'm not gonna try making you Eskimo sisters with your mom
He bedazzled a shirt for me that said "best head giver" should I be thankful for the gift or concerned that he has a bedazzler?
We were so amazed while watching mission impossible ghost protocol last night we didn't even have sex
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