my vag is singing 'hurts so good' by john mellencamp
Instead of asking if I had a condom she literally said " I'm not on the pill but I'm pro choice... your move"... I'm in love
Ah I wish I was there to nurse you then clean up your piss-filled water bottles
for some reason the bedside piss missed the water bottle today
you sang the finger bang song from south park while fingering me. needless to say, kind of a turn off.
I was cleaning out my bag and I found some xanax wrapped in plastic with a note that said "use in case of emergency"
Just warning you now f you do not get intoxicated with me in front of the family on thanksgiving we are not related.
just found out that she named her cat after me.
either I'm really high or that last bong rip tasted like christmas
you never know what sharing a kayak could lead to
It's true
Just because your gf gives mediocre bjs doesn't mean I can fill that void
I'm in his bed with no pants on and he's just eating a sloppy joe
PUT DOWN THE JOINT AND STEP AWAY FROM THE TRUSTAFARIAN
Learning to live poor pretty well. Cashed in all the coins in my car for nearly 60 bucks and yelled at a Pizza Hut manager, insisting I have a free pizza credit, until he just gave me a pizza.
WHO CARES HE GIVES YOU TOE CURLING ORGASMS AND SAYS YOU HAVE KISSABLE SKIN AND RUNWAY MODEL HAIR....WHILE INTOXICATED WITH HIS BEST FRIEND. AND THEN HE SENDS YOU CUTE SELFIES OF THEM!!!!!!! WTF MORE DO YOU WANT FROM LIFE!!! DIE HAPPY ALREADY LADY!!!
Oh god he’s a clown I fucked a rodeo clown
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