if i hurry i can finally have sex while stoned off my ass
godspeed.
She’s leaving for college so I made her a gift basket with all the essentials. You know- Ramen, a 12 pack of PBR, some leftover Plan B pills and a laminated business card for a good lawyer. Damn I’m a good big sister.
We haven't even started dating yet but I already decided I'm going to cheat on her
i actually have a tan line from him holding my boob while we were sunbathing
Drank another frat president under the table. Thinking of starting my own, gonna call it Alpha Phi Alcoholics
I dont know why the TSA people are looking at me wierd. I mean there is no way i am the only hungover college girl here with nine tally marks on her hand and last nights glitter on her face
I'm not really into her personality. Not that we've ever looked for personality in women.
That's only a quality to look for in a second marriage.
Apparently, I showed up wrapped in caution tape and immediately jumped on the stripper pole and started making very sexual gestures at the birthday girl. We lasted ten minutes.
The thumbs up barstamp on my hand is mocking my hangover with its positivity.
I don't care how much you're grieving a loss, masturbating off the side of a roof is not acceptable mourning behavior.
I don't want to sleep with anyone. I just want a burrito
It's 2016 and I'm somehow banging the milkman.
I know you like got hit by a car but do you want to come to my birthday pardi
Can we talk about how i drunkenly changed the timezone on my phone last night and just showed up to work an hour early
we are not getting arrested this weekend. I don't care who I have to blow its just not happening.
Randomize
