he cried for an hour, then he threw up on my lap then started singing party in the usa...opera style...
he just spelled fiance, "pheancie". I dont think he's ready to get married.
he just tried to convince me that tylenol is a gateway drug
Saw a sign earlier "Domino's Lava Cakes $3.00" and I thought of you. This text brought to you by thing I don't need to know about your sex life.
oh god was she eating orange peels again
Tonight's trip to the ER was brought to you by, "fork jousting."
We would have taken you home with us, but you were outside the bar measuring a randoms stream of piss by walking along side it... you said you were only at 32 feet and it still had a couple of grooves to hit.
Somehow ended up home, probably had something to do with the makeshift ladder from my second story window. Now headed to church, still drunk, and still fighting back the vomit of a thousand different alcohols. Successful night.
If we had kids we couldn't come home, get high and watch porn together. And that's like the only reason I get up in the morning
How do I go about this? "Hey, its my birthday in 40 minutes. Would you like to come over for some sex? Also, please bring snacks"?
Need to find a Santa hat to fit my penis, he deserves to be festive too.
Happy Father's Day to the first man I called Daddy while cumming.
"can you come pick me up from the ikea parking garage i think i slept here"
I just spent 100$ at a sex shop to make myself feel better. And I signed you up to win 200$ so if you win, it's mine. And yes I'm serious.
Who brings a stripper to breakfast at the dining hall? What was the plan? Impress her with his meal plan?
Randomize
