First night home from college and I already forgot that walking around nearly naked with my laptop open to smut porn isn't acceptable. Sorry, mom.
I'm drinking a margarita out of my 'best bj' trophy and it tastes like victory.
I don't think you have the libido for two women at the same time
I think you underestimate the amount of time spent masturbating
I was going to call you an awful person for that. but then i realized we're both awful people.
Really* awful people.
I think I just tested my sobriety limits for unicycling.
I JUST WANT TO WATCH PORN BUT THE CAT IS JUST SITTING HERE LICKING HIS BALLS. I CAN'T DO IT.
Your 'drink of the future' makes sense now- you feel it for atleast 10 hours into the future
Valuable lesson learned: if you reach the point where you have to talk yourself in to finishing the last half of your beer, you shouldn't try.
I'm doing shots of jagger in dixi cups and making a lesson plan for my 8th grader summer school class. My life is so close to adulthood I can taste it
So my nipple piercings were only $20 because it's breast cancer awareness month. Fuck yes!
Not saying puking on the side of a cab was how I imagined freshman year of med school but...
I've never been so tempted to check my phone during sex in my life.
We literally solved our fight using cat pictures on Instagram. True love.
We were so amazed while watching mission impossible ghost protocol last night we didn't even have sex
this isn't the first time drunken padiddle ended in a fist fight..
Randomize
