Um....I woke up to a lipgloss covered bottle of Jack daniels in my arms..
You've kissed worse.
I woke up this morning and thought "Im sure I've seen this house in a porno" and instantly googlemapped myself
i'm telling everyone you had sex with a puerto rican drug lord
i just saw a man pushing two thirtys of beers in a stroller while his little kid ran to keep up. father of the year
On my way home from Vegas. Just realized my pants are inside out
My new apartment is within walking distance of both the liquor store and the chinese buffet. This is either going to be my worst life choice ever or my best.
Dude totally calling you out on watching when harry met sally on netflix on demand on april 8th.
As it turns out, drunk trust falling that guy at the top of the waterslide didn't really work out for anyone..
The only people who have said happy valentines day to me today have been 2 homeless people.
He's single. I'm single. We should rekindle our eighth grade romance over a box of wine and carefree sex.
How did "just two beers for happy hour" turn into naked backyard wrestling?
I don't know, but I assume drunk me had her reasons. I trust her judgement.
And then before we had sex he was quoting space jam to me
I came home and my mom goes "why are you barefoot and where the hell are your shoes?" and I replied "I have French fries"
Just fucked my ex's brother. It is clear I dated the wrong one. Is it wrong for me to continue to fuck this one?
Randomize
