We walked in and the first thing we heard was, "OH SHIT! White chicks!" Naturally, I made some new male friends.
I am the Bobby Fisher of drunk asss puking
I have a feeling this won't be the last time I wake up wrapped in a shower curtain with the words "Blame Bono" spray painted on it
when she said she was from California you started sobbing. You begged her not to melt your popsicle because you paid good money for it and you just wanted to eat it in peace.
She just sat there, all alone, with a bottle of booze. And the dog. He even looked like he didn't wanna be there with her.
Things you owe me: a sober apology, $12, the removal of bbq sauce from my doorknob
my mom just walked in on me in the shower doing the "ass hair shave" pose.
He purred while eating me out. HE PURRED AND I LIKED IT.
Is there a reason there's a dick print on my seventh-story window?
He saved that picture of my boobs for good luck romance still exists
You kept yelling stranger danger at Nick because he was talking to that girl you didn't like. Your not invited ever again.
Fun fact: deep throating plus dehydration plus eating a lot of citrus = my throat is fucked. Metaphorically and physically.
It really hurts to walk. Any idea what happened to my hip?
My law teacher drew an elephant on the board in class. I was so high that I laughed for 5 minutes straight. Nobody else laughed and everyone stared. 130 people knew I was high.
My boss couldn’t find her phone so she asked me to call it and when I found it the screen said Fuck Toy was calling. I’m very much okay with this
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