Driving with balloons in your car is more annoying than that bubble fart that doesn't leave your ass after your previous fart.
I don't know how this happened but I got an email thanking me for being a Waffle House regular. HOW DO THEY KNOW?? Maybe I need to stop going there shitfaced.
Kinda wish I banged him. I need the exercise.
you made me have a moment of silence for the half of a sub sandwich that you dropped on the floor earlier
She didn't even ask about the dinosaur pinata in my trunk. Like at this point I think these are the things she expects from me
You had me sold at "fucking you down the slide"
All these girls I talk to are like I've never had a hangover and I'm like you don't drink right here let me show you
I said "I am wrapped in the Cocoon Of Comfort! You should go." He started to argue and I yelled "COCOON OF COMFORT!!!" silencing him
I made a wizard staff out of Keystone light... I am therefore the smoothest wizard in all of our university's history.
He serenaded me a cappella to Ed Sheeran. I wasn't going to leave his dick unsucked.
And then you two got up and shouted in near perfect unison "I'M ALWAYS A SLUT FOR BASKIN ROBBINS" The bar just looked at us horrified.
No biggie, just trying to keep my liver function in the green
Her blow jobs are legen wait for it seriously like 9 people I know brag about them dary
I'm sorry I couldn't bail you out, apparenty they dont take credit cards over the phone. Did you at least make any friends in jail?
Just rode a bull topless for a free bar tap for a month
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