First night home from college and I already forgot that walking around nearly naked with my laptop open to smut porn isn't acceptable. Sorry, mom.
I wish they had nachos that got you drunk
I feel like i'm in the derek zoolander school for kids who can't read good.
you know that annoying kid in my psych class? accidentally hit him in the face with a door today. perfect end to the semester.
It was the gentlest way I could hit on a girl who just got hit by a car
I found a picture of my kindergarten class. Now you can see whose peer pressure I succumbed to.
That kid who fell through your coffee table is here. In a toga.
I just wish I had a snapshot of his attempted front flip off the bar. There are some things that are worth getting a life ban for, and the moment of impact with his foot and that lady's face was one of those things.
Yeah started playing at the wedding last night, when the line. "Ludacris fills cups like DD" he starts pointing at my tits right in front of his grandparents.
We fucked so hard and loud that the everyone at the party downstairs starting chanting his name. Oh I we broke a lamp.
Just jacked in the family restroom in the hospital while eating beef jerky and looking at reddit gone wild.
Literally I can feel my heart beat in my vagina because of how sore I am
Why am I a human magnet for the worst dicks of the world?
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
There's a guy in a plaid shirt running around asking everyone if they want to head butt him
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