Congrats to the girl that left her positive preggo test in the bathroom...
he/she has shaved legs and makeup on. but a spare tire stomach, high socks with high heels...a wig and glasses. and still talked like a man. it was a nightmare scenario
Judging by my dry clothes and wet sheets, I think I might have gotten out of bed, pissed ON it, covered it up, and passed out on top of it
She's cheated on every boyfriend she's ever had with the same guy. She's like a slutty yo-yo.
I never thought your mom would see me throwing up on my hands and knees in your front yard
they wouldn't let me take the pitcher of beer on the ferris wheel
She was wearing my robin hood hat from Halloween shouting "steal from the rich and give to the poor, mothafuckaaaaas." We are taking her everywhere.
Just found a pack of birth control on the corner of Oakland and Thomas, so if your desperate its up for grabs.
I can't help but look at my sex life and acknowledge that this is not normal behavior.
AHHHHHHHHH. I LEFT A GLASS NEXT TO ME WHEN I FELL ASLEEP I'M SO SURE IT WAS WATER BUT NOW IT'S VODKA JESUS MADE A STOP
Wine is the only reason I'm making it in the real world
Kinda suprised you didn't immediately ask about the lesbian ghosts tho
How so I keep attracting the virgins? HOW?
You talk about your love for your ninja turtle onesie when you're drunk. Are you really surprised?
Mass text: You have all failed me. How have the people I loved so much let me go so long in life without ever eating a McRib sandwich?!
I wish people could trade lives with me for a day so they could see how much better my life is compared to theirs
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