i have the same doorman on the day shift as the guyi shacked with has on the night shift. he just laughed at me when i came home this AM. FML
A squiggle pen was my first vibrator back when I was young. I would lock myself in my bedroom with that thing. Oh to be 8 again.
i fell off the bed in the middle of it, and he yelled "5 second rule" and kept fucking me. i think im in love
my facebook is like a giant collection of my one night stands
I negotiated the purchase of an entire tray of like 50 jello shots for $8.
There are sesame seeds in my vagina. This cannot be explained with logic.
I feel like my lungs want to punch me in the vagina.
is that even a sentence?
Saw you fall down on Jefferson and a cop drove by and shook his head. How you didnt get arrested after the party you went to on saturday is beyond me.
Btw. U, me, male strippers, beer. Gonna happen. We could totally get TNT from like u know TNT places
Never go with a hippy to a second location. I fucking hate Xanax.
The fact that he quoted freebird as his breakup speech was a little more classy than expected
Pretty sure this ice cream truck is following me.
You fell out of his top bunk onto his set of golf clubs. After seeing blood on your leg, you proceeded to sing "the first cut is the deepest" while sprawled on the golf clubs
YOU ARE STRONGER THAN YOUR VAGINA
Found someone cuddling with my Uggs this morning. Guess the hundred pillows laying next to him weren't good enough.
Randomize
