If I don't wake up snuggled up to 14 ice cream sandwiches, my life is incomplete.
At what point did I eat out of your mouth?
How are you going to be there by 9am?
Relax I always go to these conferences hung over
You say that like it's a positive quality
Fuck him tonight for the both of us. We're still tag-teaming in spirit.
I just miserably failed my own drug test. At least I know what a positive will look like when I give them to the employees tomorrow.
After he came he asked what I was doing for thanksgiving.
They actually said and I quote "it definitely looks like your knees went through some over usage"
Like, what's the customary waiting period to hookup with your newly single ex that you never stopped hooking up with?
New found love of volunteering, when there's free wine available at all times. Good times. And I get to to feel good about helping people.
my brain is opting to stay half drunk rather than relearn how to think. the rest of me is in no position to argue.
All my interactions with my brother are drug deals at this point
it was so good i reconsidered my staunch atheism
I'm definitely single now but she stole my mailbox
Dipping my sugar cookies in a glass of fireball and creme soda. This is holiday spirit
I just found an old slice of LIME in my wallet?????????
Randomize
