hey dont come home for a while, moms drunk and is telling the story of 'how she met dad at that orgy' again
I found her under my bed eating airplane pretzels.
I think it is impossible 2 take a person seriously when their last name is Pancake
Worst hangover of my career vs the return of the blue balls. Will keep updated
In all fairness I did warn the guy I just spray tanned before we had sex so I hold no responsibility for the bronzer all over his sheets
Dedicating my hangover to whoever the hell I hooked up with in the bathroom last night.
just kidding, dedicating it to the gods of mexican food. omnomnom
Reunion weekend was a success. Had 3 ex's inside my vag. Hat trick!
A girl just asked me if we had pregnancy tests and a coworker had to stop me from telling her I was a pregnancy test. THAT is why I don't drink at work.
I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date.
The neighbor just yelled bring me back that big red alien penis.
The girl neighbor.
We had a quickie at work in the office. He walked out before me, and I fell asleep while waiting a few minutes to walk out. Yeah. He's got that change your life dick
this periodpocalypse needs to be over. I need head
I sent him a topless photo and he complimented my eyes. I'm not sure if I'm offended or pleasantly surprised.
I didn't realize how hungover I was until I fell asleep in my math lecture, and woke up I'm my history class. How is got there still remains a mystery...
I just didn't expect to have anal in a retail store at 9 AM on a Tuesday.
Randomize
