The funny thing about my wife cheating on me is that the guy probably has genital warts now. Sweet.
Just cleaned up my puke with my lecture notes.
Nothing says fuck you quite like putting your used condom in someones mailbox for them to find in the morning.
I was so hungover that I had to stop in the middle of the game and throw up. The fans cheered.
I remember seeing LSAT prep books and thinking "Whose room is this? I should be hooking up with them instead."
I woke up with a pinecone in my hair. A full pine cone.
holy fuck man...it feels like I got beat the fuck out of by death's baseball bat...chimichangas?
Opening beer with my teeth is getting easier the drunker I become.
It turns out my teeth are bleeding.
If it makes you feel any better about life I'm wearing yoga pants with granny panties and toms with socks cause fuck my life
Getting "I couldn't find the front door so I climbed in through window" drunk seems to be a habit of yours
I think he's like 40 and maybe a little sociopathetic and i have never been so turned on
Another text to add to the intervention pile, i see
Aaaaand my mom is wearing jeggings...
How is it medically possible for my urine to smell like espresso
BRING THE BAGELS
I may be a feminist, but I am not above using my body to distract you if it means I might beat you in a game of scrabble.
Randomize
