I think I died a long time ago.
Didn't tell him I was on my period. Then had to surreptitiously remove some uterine lining from his cock.
i am about to cut my stepbrother's hair into a mohawk with the same clippers i use to trim my pubes. god is so on my side today.
Do you think I can haggle my way to discounted weed on 4.21?
threw up in a bar last night and got laid on an air mattress. my bucket list just got a lot shorter
Somehow ended up at a stranger's bridal shower. Everyone else is already drunk.
well as my mentor always said, "Don't antagonize the man whose penis gives you multiple orgasms."
when I sang my humps to you I meant it.
you want your laptop back?
are you giving me my laptop back, or cashing in on our break up sex?
both.
come over.
I know this is a weird question but we both had pants on when my mom woke us up last night right?
I was so high. I had so much hair. It was like all my hair follicles exploded.
Remind me to tell you all about the topless girl on the street who attempted to taze me.
When's the best time to point out that all of my orgasms this year have been self-administered? Valentine's day?
I know you can't find me. Somehow I ended up on the roof smoking a cig with the strippers that are on break. Way too drunk to deal with this right now.
Don't ask but i need a priest, a calzone, a litre of gravy, and exactly 7 oreos
And a bag of nachos
Randomize
