So can I buy you a drink sometime?
Sure, but make it a double, I'm drinking for two these days.
The homeless ppl in LA are great. Theres sum guy that makes all of his clothes out of tighty whitey underwear. He makes bags out of them 2. Presumably 2 hold more underwear.
someone wrote "the short drunk lives here" on our door. i already have a reputation
getting kicked in the face by someone doing a keg stand. just my luck
I'm still not completely convinced I'm not pregnant. I just dipped beef jerky in cream cheese frosting.
Dude I am not desperate enough to pay my dealer in change. Maybe tomorrow.
You were pouring Patron into the window of the squad car trying to get the police dog to drink it
So thats why that cop beat my ass?
Probably
I mean, you've seen me eat pizza, sober, out of a garbage can, and yet I refuse to go eat at that place. Just sayin....
Dude at the bar last night came into the bathroom, drop kicked the stall open and start saying lines from happy Gilmore as he was shitting, "go in your home! Are you too good for your home?!"
I just got a voicemail from some strange woman with a Russian accent. Are you ok?
I just used Bacardi to dry out poison ivy.
Did I try to sell your body for chicken tenders last night?
He drunk texted me what I think is two snails fucking on a mushroom. Is "you sick bastard" too mild a rejection?
I am just High Enough to train A-Team of bodybuilding squirrels MMA techniques to tear you asunder. And it's not that I want to is just don't you make me do it!
The text I got from my boyfriend this morning: "babe, I'm not mad because I know you were drunk, but you kissed 3 guys last night and I wasn't one of them".
Randomize
