new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
I misunderstood what a threesome is. Please come pick me up.
I was on my way at Dorito Smoothie
In the middle of switching positions, we shared a line of coke. It's was like a modern-day 'Lady and the Tramp.'
So I realized I'm not completely sober when the automatic toilet flushed and I screamed
Have you ever tried running while drinking 151?
You almost make it sound as if getting an education to further your career is more important than beer and tacos.
Based on the time of Sean's "I'm on your street" phone call last night, we had sex for an hour and a half. Man, time flies when you're getting boned to an orgasmic death.
btw telling the cab driver, that took you to your booty call that is now returning your wallet that you left in his cab, that you want to hug him is awkward
Apparently I tried my hand at mustard juggling. I wasn't very good.
Dude! I just figured out I can successfully hide a 4oz flask between my boobs without endangering my cleavage! College: conquered!
Had a crazy moment last night. Had to get up, run to bathroom, pop 3 Xanax, sit on bathroom floor and rock myself in fetal position. Not my best moment.
We need to make boob twerking a thing. I feel like that's why vine was invented
Idk man there's lots of bad dick but even a bad cookie is still pretty good
Some Romanian guy at work just told me "you come my house, we drink beer and you come make fuck with my sister"
If he's not there watching you go for it. It's been a while bro.
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