Apparently I farted on her in my sleep. Then, just to be sure she was cool, I did it again on purpose and she didnt say anything. So, WIN?
His text read: Sex? I replied: Not drunk enough. He bought 4 more rounds and tantalized me with the offer pizza later. This could be the beginning of a beautiful relationship.
I have before 2 am pics and after 2am pics, which do you want to see first?
you're the best thing to happen to me. closely followed by learning to ejaculate, and drugs.
Nothing says I've got my life together like buying a jumbo bottle of 7$ wine in sweat pants on a monday night
i don't think my dad can get all that mad since he got arrested for almost exactly the same thing last weekend
I was fingering her, she was moaning, and we were singing Mulan
that's why you don't digest questionable powders from girls wearing tutus at a dirty club
There is a literally infinite number of spliffs going around this table.
Delicious
I feel like I'm at a sushi bar with a spliff belt.
His search history includes homemade sex toys and a plunger. I'm scared about what goes on in their place.
And I really REALLY don't feel like cleaning cinnamon off my penis tonight.
Six words: 3rd Degree Burn On My Dick
I think I need to start sobriety testing my Tinder dates.
Buying drug test kits off amazon. And qualifying for amazonSmile donation to a kids hospital feels wrong and funny at the same time xD
i woke up in just my thong, face first on my bed with all the lights on. how hungover do you think i felt?
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