i just realized i've been trying to levitate the potatoe chip out of her hand for the past ten minutes. i think i smoked to much.
Waaait I'm alsleep in myt car somewhere
Literally 6000 elephants in my backyard.
wouldnt it be awesome if walks of shame were like charity walks...you could get sponsors and shit and donate money to curing STDs or cancer
Fact: Telling a guy he has erectile dysfunction doesn't solve the problem.
all but 2 of were put on probation for disorderly conduct. i know, visiting a hospital when your drunk is really stupid but it seemed like such a good idea at the time
swear to god, "it seemed like a good idea at the time" is gonna be on your epitaph
As I was brushing his cum out of my hair he looks at me and says "it happens to me all the time."
I actively tried geting in the guy's pants and ended up in the girl's. I'm bad at this whole straight while drunk thing.
Then he claimed me as his prize for 3rd place in a wing eating contest. Too romantic.
Drunk yoga at 11 am turned into me sitting on the couch making fun of the girl in the instructional video. By the way, what the fuck is a third eye?
I'm sorry about all of the innappropriate shoe throwing
I found an industrial strength sharpie in the drawer so I started writing BONER JAM 2014 on everyone's foreheads so they kicked me out
my sex drive just dried up, fell out, and is rolling on the floor somewhere.
Idk... I'm not sure why anyone would use a flesh light in general. Let alone hook it up to a wifi device.
The last time we went to a costume party, you walked around in a loincloth with a cross and said you were Jesus. I'm eager to see how much more offensive you can be.
Randomize
