Do you think "I had sex with my co-worker last night I don't think I can come in today" is a good excuse?
The google font looked peculiar last night, but then up close I realized it was just dry vomit.
sitting on my lesbian neighbors couch, sexting, & eating a burrito.. that single
He has in a pan: ten pieces of bacon, two cloves of garlic, an egg (not scrambled or hard boiled, just an egg) and frozen corn.
Have you resumed life with the rest of the world yet or are you still huddled in the fetal position while wearing compression gear?
Gosh I haven't been pantsless in front of anyone for a while. It's time for me to pick up my game. We need a party. I need some rum.
All I want is tacobeell and your body
that's my favorite sentence you've ever said.
She just kept introducing me to people by telling them which of their friends I've fucked
Day 1 of "Death of a Liver" weekend complete. It came with flashbacks of horrible mistakes I made due to alcohol. I'm excited for how Sunday is going to turn out.
Got high with dad and hunted squirrels in the basement. Is this seriously what my life has come to?
Last night you told me you "were too high" and didn't deserve a hashbrown.
my biography would be titled "haunting truths and dick jokes: a tale of love, loss, and masturbation."
Woke up with a 22 year old with the number for a different girl written on my stomach, almost 30 can suck my dick I still got this shit
So if i am talking to a guy and he sends me a pic and he is wearing Spiderman button down dress shirt.... Is it ok if i dont want to talk to him anymore?
Its pretty bad when you can tell twins apart by the size of their penises...
Randomize
