Apparently I signed "I love you" on my bar tab last night.
Dude let's go to Saudi Arabia. They outlawed valentine's day. And probably love.
Just had sex with a girl from Italy. The only english she knew was Obama campaign slogans. Her screaming, "Yes we can!" as I was railing her not only turned me on but allowed my neighbors to know it was consentual.
seriously my hangover is so bad I feel like my eye lashes make blinking a workout
Is it ironic that the girl with the horse face is also on the equestrian team?
i'll just tell him I slept with them both because we needed to compare notes
just woke up in my car, in front of the bar. Took me 10 minutes to find my keys which were about 10 yards away in a bush. According to my phone records, I called my ex 14 times last night. Breakfast?
We lost you in the mall, but to no surprise we found you waiting in line to sit on santas lap. You said you wanted to ask him for a pound of weed and a subway giftcard for xmas.
Now theyre filling the kiddie pool water with boxes and boxes of jello powder and im not sure if thats a sign i should leave or what
you kept saying how you wanted to mainline bacardi right into your bloodstream. medical school is doing wonderful things to your brain
We took your mom out drinking and we wound up winning 18 games of Flip Cup. You have amazing genetics.
Before he left he told me if his girlfriend ever finds out, she'll take us both to an alley and kill us.
Like who needs a job and family when you can get drunk for free with strippers?
Guys are like someone else's baby; i'll play with them but if responsibility is involved i'll hand them off.
Is it uncouth to masturbate the night before a gyno appointment?
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