What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
wait.. the condom broke. ehh whatever i think im already 2 months pregnant
So how do we make 4/20 better than every other day we are stoned?
Internet sex stories have completely ruined the word sopping for me.
I know i'm the slutty cousin, but be honest. have you ever got your nose ring caught on a guy's zipper?
Like I had no idea he knew how to play girls the way he played me. His major is chemistry for christ's sake.
Thanks for letting me in last night. I was drunkenly sleepwalking.
That's what he gets for shittin at the strip club. Who does that??
I think this shark week should consist of getting drunk enough to actually go hunt sharks ourselves.
Just responding to the most professional request I've ever gotten to get shitfaced.
Remember when I made out with that stranger at the bar on my 21 in chicago? I wonder how he's doing
I dipped out before he woke up, but I made sure to take the pizza with me.
Is there something wrong with us? Seriously.
Possibly, but I'd rather not fix it.
God I miss you. I would very much like to have sexual intercourse with you. I'm home eating chicken alfredo.
I would like to make it known to all of you that my penis is official retired, but it thanks you for the countless years of service you provided
Randomize
