im in a kiddie pool, high, with a keg in arms reach. If i had a sandwich and a blowjob this would be the best day ever
Women are like Alzheimers patiens. You can compliment them a million times in a day, but the next day is always a wash, you have to start all over.
As soon as the judge read that I rear ended the car from getting roadhead he chuckled. You know he's been there before.
you handed the cop a condom last night and said "it's all about protect and serve right?"
moving back to school this early was a terrible idea we already used up our bail fund
By the end of the cruise, there was literally nothing in our room he hadn't peed on.
So, do you think I should wash the ashes off of my forehead before going to the strip club?
He just walked up to be, grabbed my boob and said 'i think they have shrunk' i have no idea who he was.
i preemptively threaten to cock slap your kids if they are snobby yuppy bitches
You know it's last call at a gay bar when the guys at the urinal are just jacking off in front of each other. Most awkward pissing moment of my life.
I pulled up iMessage on my computer and I'm pretty sure two people in my class saw that dick pic you sent. Sorry!
that's the second time I've left that bar and slept with the person that's driven my car. thank god I don't take cabs..
Well I shit myself on the way home from work today so there's that...
If he doesn't get here soon I'm taking off my thong and eating his dinner.
You asked me if I ever met a talking rock and when I said no, you looked me dead in the eye and said today was my lucky day then you crawled into a ball and started talking...that high.
Randomize
