on the bus. saw a kid get off at a red light, puke on the sidewalk, and get back on.
just found $310, wrapped in a rubber band, at the bottom of my sock drawer with a note attached stating, "Make it rain".
I can't believe I am actually paying for a night in a hotel for my parents so I can throw a party the night before Christmas Eve. I also can't believe they think it's their Christmas present.
TINY HANDS NOT FOR BUTTHOLES
This is going everywhere on the internet.
We just started the day with vitamin bombs. Daily vitamin + whatever's left in your glass from last night = feel like a champion
I just can't deal with that sentence
I think the solution to your phobia is an open relationship with your dildo. about the same responsibility as a pet rock
Side note... I would pay good money to have witnessed the reaction of onlookers as I sprinted down Armtiage with a 15 lb bag of peanuts under my arm
I'll explain later but basically I was feeling dangerous, I'm dressed as Ann Romney and Ann Romney is a bad bitch.
Our music was glorious. Maidens were deflowered to the sound of my voice.
I had fresh baked oatmeal cookies, tacos AND was on deck to give a stellar blow job. You'd think that'd be a win/win/win situation.
I'm pretty sure the Bible says "He who is most sober may cast the first stone."
Turns out the guy I did all that coke with the other night is a cop
We're dating now
I mean, I want you to have freaky orgasmic fun to entertain me, but I don’t want you to risk HIV or car crashes
YOU UNCULTURED BADGER
We blew shit up to. With a cannon.
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