I think i peed on brittanys purse
it feels like my vag is blowing bubbles
i gave you head in a backbend. if that doesnt say happy birthday i dont know what does.
Oh they knew you from a bachelorette party! You were the pole?
Ohhh shit yeah that was me. Fuck. I hate myself when I do that.
I just want to let you know how hung over I am today and I fucked a girl in a kangaroo costume last night.
I just need to drink whiskey get off and eat some cheese. Why is that so fucking hard for god to deliver.
I love getting kicked out of places. Its like winning a little league game
I'm debating a nap but also debating breaking into the liquor cabinet
sorry for pouring tequila vodka and whiskey down your throat and left you to sleep on a table
The only people allowed to make me cry are myself and Chris Hemsworth as Thor. And me.
I think I may be going on too many job interviews. I've started to bring up Shonda Rhimes in my interview answers.
I knew you were on something when you said you were a puppy and you ate all the frosty Paws dog ice cream which says not for human consumption right on the side of it.
Dude she is fucking shit up. Her baby would be proud
I just had a morning three-some with marijuana and a detachable shower-head
I'm fucked-out. That state of being high between fucked up and passed out.
Randomize
