I'm about to take my first shit since thursday. I'm scared. pray for me. If I don't make it, tell my family I love them.
But I thought everyone had breakup sex?
this kid is using one arm to help his buddy with a keg stand, and the other arm to hold up the chick he's making out with.
Ummm I just broke my no puke streak at church
Honestly... isn't she a psych major? how does she go through life NOT realizing that everything she does is a cry for help?
I can hear my parents having sex. I REPEAT. I CAN HEAR MY PARENTS HAVING SEX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!
Your mom is 55 and has MS. To be honest, I'm proud of her, and you should be too, bitch.
Remember when we used to share painkillers at parties? Now we're dealing in blood pressure pills. Oh, how the mighty have fallen.
To my ex and my favorite mistake: I totally enjoyed hearing you have erectile disfunction via baby monitor!
You know how the doctor said I need to stop being vegan unless I find a way to get more protein? There's protein in beer. The doctor wants me to drink more beer.
Almost to my house to grab beer. And pants.
My card got declined when I tried to buy dippin dots at 2 am, the lady gave them to me for free because "I looked like I needed them."
Is 28 too old to get fingered in Centennial Park? Asking for a friend.
The beauty of getting kicked out of college again is I can fuck my professor's brains out and she can't get fired now
PSA Do not blow dry your junk.
TSA doesn’t allow handcuffs in carryon bags. Super fun they confiscated them in front of my boss and coworker.
Randomize
