sitting in an airport in detroit. just saw a commercial for detroit tourism with kid rock as a spokesman. reason # 1458 to never visit this city.
I taped Calvin and Kyles heads together face to face while they were passed out. You should have seen them stumbling around using hungover teamwork trying to find scissors.
it took you forty minutes to realize it was a gay bar.
this lesbian fantasy crush is getting WAY out of hand. just spent an entire meeting staring at her long fingers thinking, "oh those could be fun"
Just found the cutest bag of coke under my bed. I'm going to get fucked up and bleach the cat vomit out of my sheets.
When a girl says " I never would have come over if I knew I was getting kicked out at 7am." the correct response isn't "but think of how responsible you're being."
It felt like Party Santa dropped by and gave us two more 18-packs.
Drinking loves me for WHO I am
I'm sorry, you might have to start setting aside some time in your day for my pussy.
All of my exes are either overweight and neckbearded or dead. Someone out there is looking out for me.
A dry HJ only, please. I don't deserve the comforts of lube after my horrendous fantasy football performance
I never turn down an adventure. My life is like a sexual Lord of the Rings.
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
Your sister walked upto me in the middle of the hallway and was like get us beer or shes never having sex with you ever again, wtf
We were totally high while having sex, I told him fast or slow, just follow your balls. That was a show stopper.
Randomize
