and before you know it i was laying next to him at 2 in the morning with penis and sadness on my breath.
I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
You stole her cigarette screaming that you were going to stop the air cancer from getting everyone.
at least i was looking out for everybody
3 inches of snow, below zero windchill and i just saw a dude in a wrangler with no doors, shorts a beanie and burton snow goggles. God i love college in colorado
I apparently texted him "since you're taking time out to think about us. You probably need to think about me getting arrested right now."
My mom is helping me re-arrange my room to make New Year's more hook-up friendly
You told them that the brownies were safe, and then pointed to a passed out Ryan and said "see?"
I accidentally lit my hair on fire and we broke the bed. How was your night?
do you think this outfit says "I maintained my dignity this weekend"?
Is it bad that when someone says the phrase "helicopter dick" I immediately think of you?
I may be a feminist, but I am not above using my body to distract you if it means I might beat you in a game of scrabble.
I still can't believe I was army crawling thru his backyard at 2am..
Found like seven bruises in the shower. One was shaped like a hand. Best. Sex. Ever.
my dad just liked my status about my bowl being stolen even he feels my pain
I feel like I have the I just lost my virginity face and everyone at the grocery store knows it.
Randomize
