Even my Mr Clean Magic Eraser can't make last night disappear.
whats wrong with me. i have a coffee mug of wine in the library and i'm doing homework
bubblegum was invented today. we're getting drunk. end of story.
Seriously just heard: "we need some good ass wine. how bout this swa-vig-non blank"
hahahaha. Oh virginia: where the south begins
Manscaping on you would be like trying to clean up the oil spill with a dixie cup.
I literally just wielded a katana to save a child's life. What did you do today?
A valentines day commercial would come on while I'm masturbating...
Your father is wrapped in a table cloth singing, "America Fuck Yeah!" You are missing the time of your life.
they saw the dick pic he sent and started calling him 'subway'
That broad from the bar put her name in my phone as "The girl I'm going to marry in 10 years".
Just for future reference. Do not do zumba while stoned out of your mind.
Quick question, did I crash teeth with you when I snogged you, or did I headbutt something between the car and the bed last night?
YOU CANT JUST BLOW GUYS BC THEY’RE NICE TO YOU LEXI
I CAN IF I WANT TO
Our sex is like an episode of "The Simpsons." Picture Homer choking Bart, and that's pretty much what we're into.
Cops swarmed my car last night in the walmart parking lot cause of the paper plate
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