Woke up this morning with one boob drawn on to look like the globe. Questionable?
Do you think there is vodka in heaven?
you let me eat a milky way from your vagina. G is not lettin you hang out for eternity
He just spent five minutes trying to sling shot a cheese-it off his dick and into my mouth.
i tried to climb in the window in the limo because i wanted the driver to take me to get noodles. ive reached a new level of fat kid
If you were wondering whether I accidentally FaceTime called the undergrad who works for me in lab during a particularly graphic blow job last night, then the answer is yes.
and then she started to quack like a duck and u started throwing bread at her
So i know i shouldnt being spending random large amnts of money...but i just bought a sword.
I'm ready to sell my soul to the strip club tonight
Yes. That was the exact moment of my conscience clicking into instant high alert.
Decided I'm going to wear a shirt that says "I'm sorry" whenever we go back to that fraternity
Man I was just the closest I've ever been to crapping my pants.
For the first time in my life, I still have money by the next payday. Who is this responsible person and what have they done with the real me?
I found a Trump-humping republican virgin born on the goddamn Fourth of July. I NEED to hate-fuck him.
Dude, some chick came over here earlier and thought my lube was hand sanitizer. She poured it all over her hands.
I got a 93 percent on my last mid term and I was drunk. Think of the possibilities if i were sober for the one thats tommorrow.
Randomize
