So i just got diagnosed with swine flu. im at walgreens looking like shit and this guy keeps staring at me. Im so gonna cough in his face.
well, dont
I didnt. i just coughed then looked at him menacingly. he got it.
how the FUCK am I supposed to macarena while doubble fisting?
I told her I was horny and she said to forget it because she has vagina drama.
WHAT IN THE HELL IS VAGINA DRAMA?!
You were dancing around the clubbing yelling "best wingman ever" and raising your cast in the air
I gained confidence after I found out she was a lesbian. At least that way I could flirt with her and convince her to buy me taco bell after the bar
thank you for letting me use your house as a brothel.
Its only 9:11 and I just somersaulted through a window. Its gonna be a good night
Hey could you buy me 2 bottles of arbor mist? I'm trying to get laid tonight
I should probably drink beer instead of rum today so I don't end up naked in my living room while I still have guest.
Would it be crossing a line if I told him that I now know his girlfriend has a huge mole on her left ass cheek?
Are cops allowed to hit on you if they're in uniform?! Serious question.
First poop in my apartment for the summer, officially settled in. :)
Can someone explain to me why guys are so fascinated w their dicks that they feel like they'll die if they don't send unsolicited dick pics
i woke up half naked on someone's pool lounge chair in a house that i don't know, with someone's phone number scrawled on my stomach. why do i hang out with you again??
You just listed two reasons.
Like honey no, I’m getting groceries while pretending that having sexy talk with you is turning me on
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