Umm went to talk to a client ended up seeing his semi erect penis. This is my life.
you left a giant bottle of vodka in my room from last night. does this serve as a parting gift or hush money?
Good thing you left when you did - ended up getting banned from jimmy johns.
i just watched kanye west and taylor swift have a chugging contest. why cant halloween be every day
We started making out, then he decided to get naked, put on a condom, and proceed to dry hump my leg, sweat pants and all, until he blew his load. I thought this was college. I immediatly left claiming I can't sleep in other people's rooms. He didn't even bother taking off my hoodie.
he woke up with $200 in his pocket and had to buy his cell phone back from a hobo at the bus stop.
My boyfriend just asked what time I was coming over. As soon as my old BF unchains me. I think he ran away.
I let a blind guy feel me up. All he kept saying was "oh fuck yeah!"
Yeah that doesn't involve enough booze, count me out
I feel like I should throw some tampons around my workspace so everyone will know what's really going on
I got stoned and explored ice caves with a guy who photographs dildos for a living. I win.
I'll admit it. It was a bad idea to sneak a fart out while she was taking a nap. Can you bring me a pair of underwear from my dresser. Preferably the one with the walruses in party hats one.
idk i was trying to watch Fuller House and you got up out of a dead sleep, just in your boxers, said "no more Dave Coulier" and walked out to the living room and unplugged the router
help. his tongue is stuck. Its not what you think. Hurry.
I can see. My condolences to your vagina.
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