mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
is 1am too late, or too early to make bacon?
I convinced her last night that my actual nickname was "No Condom John"
Just threw up in airport security. Happy holidays.
My vagina is scared and excited at the same time. It might not be able to sleep tonight.
He has a really nice penis but its like a model that wasn't built to scale
"Whiskey Cheerios" was a terribly great idea.
She tried to sit inside the drawer to my dresser and when it broke, she burst into tears calling herself fat. Too high to deal with this
Is it possible to dent your eyeball? And how do you "accidentally" go cosmic bowling?
Well we had to pull over on a side street in town so I could throw up while moms were driving by with car loads of kids, I feel like I just performed a lil silent AA film for the childrens
How I know we're old. Don knows the owner. The owner said 'How about some shots?' We said no thanks. He looked puzzled and came back later and said 'You know it's on the house?' We said 'Yeah, no thanks.'
The difference between 22 and 28 is bigger than I realised. I had the urge to put on Spongebob and give him a cookie.
Van sex tonight? No need to tell me how classy that sounded.
You should have just fucked me in the bathroom when you had a chance!
I just bought a bottle of dried bees on Etsy. I am the wrong person to talk you out of this.
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