I wanna come home
And do what?
Kiss. Rip clothes off. Repeat.
he screamed my twitter name while we were having sex.
I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
Your clothes are in washers 2,3 and 4. I arranged by darks, whites, then frat... I'm not even joking
Apparently we had sex last night, and then I made him drive me to the beach so I could puke in the ocean.
I need the number of a restaurant that delivers, has lock-picking abilities, and is okay with full frontal male nudity. Entirely too hungover to get out of bed.
I'm going to make "gut the love salmon" a common slang term for sex. Spread the word.
Also I played a weird game of chicken in the ladies room at work between myself the person pooping 2 stalls over and a very determined maintenance man.
Christopher Columbus didn't sail the ocean blue so I would have to go to class and not have sex with my boyfriend
Ooo, yeah! Thanksgiving will be a blast. Can't fuckin wait for the next round of "have you found a nice young man yet?" Followed by a lovely helping of "don't worry, there's someone out there for you."
Apparently duct taping your dick to your buttcheks before the first time she goes down on you isn't as funny as projected. She cried because she thought I was a girl the whole time.
He told me that his greatest skill was making White Russians.
My tinder date had to be home by 8:30 cause she's on house arrest.
At the bar in my pajamas again
Ummm that is the 3rd time this week and it is Wednesday
I'm on a party bus with a stripper pole with middle aged women who have all started drinking
God bless your soul.
Randomize
