do you think they make "congratulations unfit mother" greeting cards?
or abortion recommendation cards.
you washed your face with toilet water last night.. i tried to stop you but you wouldn't have it.
you just can't say no to drugs on a mirrored table.
Don't worry, your car is safe with me. I am throwing watermelons out of it at mailboxes and hipster kids.
And he came by and picked me up. We cuddled in his car then had sex until... an officer doing his rounds put a spotlight on crazy haired, naked me straddling him.
Like he was inside me when I made eye contact with a police man.
It was big, black, and had a smiley face tattooed on it. It was the perfect penis.
Just looked for hours for the remote. Found it in my purse. I need to drink less.
If you keep giving me that glorious dick ill bake you some cookies
Like, yea, let's talk sexy but also...LOOK! I SAW A CAT!
Matched with the lumberjack. Here's your wedding invite.
I described my life as a 7 layer cake of death
I puked on her cat, I think I should at least buy her breakfast
Somehow I went from sitting in a car upside down to waking up in the grass surounded by paramedics. It was a great night.
Oh, do you remember telling everyone you were with that your vagina was angry last night?
Don’t be alarmed my pee bowl is in your shower
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