I thought I was riding a bike, but I guess it was a vacuum cleaner
FUCK YOU CALIFORNIA. YOU DO NOTHING RIGHT. FIRST PROP 8 AND NOW THIS.
I think I need to stop sleeping with him. Sex with him is just a reminder of the mediocrity of the rest of my life.
You kept telling me how warm your bag of vomit was and asked me if i wanted to feel.
I just realized my life is a timeline of drunken injuries.
Oh, and trying to figure out who wants to do Molly in a frat is like asking damn children if they want puppies and candy. So just bring as much as possible.
If you see my mugshot on the news tomorrow, its not what you think
I have nothing to lose. And a bunch of dick to gain.
if memory serves, the guy you were hooking up with said he was a slutty skittle.
I had one glass of wine then passed out for 4 hours. It's like I'm having a quarter-life crisis.
In the middle of our bar crawl last night we stopped to pet dogs at a dog park. who would let a drunk person bet play with their dog???
I just ran your car into a ups truck....but on a up note I have a handle of fireball and breakfast burritos
So i just remembered that thing i use to do with your butt because of shark week.
First time a guy goes down on me and his dog had its head on my knee the whole time. I swear it was judging me.
Don't try to butter me sideways
That is without a doubt the most Southern thing you have ever said.
Randomize
