Yeah. He most definitely jizzed himself in the face.
Have you ever looked at the 750mL bottle of wine on the seat next to you knowing that it's just not going to be enough?
Each and every day.
I have to keep checking she's breathing. This is why we don't drink on Sundays
He deleted all his profile pics with her. It was like the bat signal for single women everywhere.
I'm sitting at home, day drinking, while watching crossroads with brittany spears. I'm not the person you should be asking for advice right now.
There was a sweat stain in the shape of a fast chick with low standard on your bathroom floor
Did you hear me? I HAVE THE CONTENTS OF AN NBA PLAYER'S CONDOM IN MY BEDROOM TRASHCAN!! This shit is potentially worth millions of dollars to a fertile young female who is ovulating. How do I sell it fast??
he told me he didn't know whether he was gonna puke, pass out, or cum. i don't know if i should be flattered or offended.
I want to break his glasses with my pelvis.
Ran into him again last night, stole his glowstick and walked away. The glowstick mountain in my room keeps growing.
My mom comes home from her weekend with her lesbian co-workers and asks "You wanna know how I got these bruises?" I've never been more torn about anything EVER.
Started my day with puking in a trash can.... Its gonna be a beautiful day
Not sure but if it exists I will find it and I will fill my face with it
My roommate wasn't home and I was too drunk and tired so I peed in the trash can. Twice.
Just learned a very valuable life lesson. Never motorboat a cat when they have claws.
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