If you text me again I will gut all of your stuffed animals.
Dude sorry i couldnt seem to spell any words right in the texts i sent you last night
I felt like a fucking code breaker.
Fat chicks shouldn't bartend
you were saying "i am the vodka queen!" and then in a different voice replying to yourself "all hail the vodka queen! you are so beautiful!"
ok, just found out the kid i had random sex with in April was on wheel of fortune so i can really no longer say i regret that night
New handbag passed the ultimate test. The walk of shame. I had a bra, tights, skirt, shirt & sweater in it and you couldn't tell. yessss.
Quick question: how long can sperm live in a rug?
I need like a hormone stopper. Or a chastity belt. Or like a lady business alarm that goes off when I'm being too drunk.
I woke up with my panties in the cat food dish, and everything covered in honey and bruises.
She's astronaut crazy. She will wear Depends and drive 12 hrs non-stop if you swipe right.
Challenge accepted
How was your night?
I spent a lot of money and drank a lot of booze. Also was part of a successful search party
Idk how much of a virgin he is but I'm tryna find out.
Apparently, im the only one in the world who thinks Larry King is hot.
Let's just say, I will never again lick an asshole.
I ripped ass in on and around her face during a hard 69. I don't think she'll ever call me again.
Randomize
