sexting loses it's worth when you accidentally text your boss.
boyfriend complimented me on my new prada shoes today. he is officially either gay or the man im gonna marry. knowing my luck it's all of the above.
found the other keg... it's in the tree
What can i say, inner beauty is great but it makes a hard picture to jack off to
he sent me a picture of his dick with a heart border around it
I'll be there in 5 min. If not, read this again.
after we were done she whispered to my dick "you sir, are a genius"
I guess all those years with her as your babysitter finally paid off.
Sunrise bitch. You owe me waffles
Sooo Zach and Judd are on my porch drunk eating leaves and flowers...
There was just a girl standing next to me on the train, wasted, wearing only one shoe. I so wanted to pat her on the shoulder and say "oh honey, we've all been there"
Everyone here is taking crazy amounts of mescaline and I'm just over here like hey have you tried the pretzel rolls mmm
As long as he continues to be our subleaser and continues to fuck me, I think it's acceptable for me to steal a piece of bread here and there.
Just got offered cocaine at ihop. Stay classy America.
the gnome is staring at me and the pineapple is wearing shorts. I don't want to do this anymore.
I will bring Jesus to court if he punishes me for that
Randomize
