I just woke up covered In blood, I have cuts all over my body, I can't find my clothes from last night, I'm still wasted, i'm pretty sure I have a sprained ankle, and the best part is, I have absolutely no recollection of what led to this. THAT'S why vodka is the greatest drink in the world.
Just had to explain to the nurse WHERE I have poison ivy. Great Day
I feel so grown up. I just went to home depot to buy actual home improvement supplies instead of stuff to make a bong with.
I am trying to figure out how to tell this kid i have a boyfriend in a way that still allows me to smoke free weed
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
He had me saved in his phone as "Dick Socket". Lets see if I ever fuck him in a bathroom again.
Oh, and she's that dumb bitch that goes out in public in full make up and sweats with uggs. I hope she falls face first in a bowl of queso and drowns
im destined to be single forever. i hope its okay if your kids come and hang out with my cats.
he's definitely still old enough to be your dad. even your grandfather, if you come from a line of juvenile delinquents
I think we can all agree that the size of her boobs, combined with beer, is destroying my ability to judge looks.
My tuesday consisted of speaking to a federal agent for two hours and watching a roving band of gypsies jump over a fire until 2:30am
She invited us over for cocaine and donuts
Her new crush is a 6'2" guacamole baron that may also be a Jedi.
he was Irish, I had to have sex with him.
I smell like beef jerky
That's among the sexiest things you've ever said to me.
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