I think horse shit smells the best of all shits.
I'm on the bus going to class. And a cop just rolled by and I got nervous because I didn't have my seatbelt on. I have to stop smoking so much weed.
Urine might work for jellyfish stings, but we found out it doesn't work well for nose bleeds...
she both took care of me and took advantage of me. it was BEAUTIFUL.
just had to shower sitting down. i hope this isn't an indicator of how the rest of my week is going to go.
I never want to hear the words 'my therapist says . . . ' while naked again.
The bank teller laughed at me....I'm apparently that fucking hungover looking
All I wanted was my $85. Judgement free. But nooooo
We were on the balcony tossing jello shots to people passing below
When people said no i'd yell "i tried them i promise they aren't roofied!"
I been sleeping but occasionally wake up feeling like tiny elves are in my throat ripping my esophagus to shreds with their bare hands.
Somehow, you made that sound extremely magical and not at all painful.
I was riding him and in the middle he literally said "fuck yeah, Amy Winehouse"
Let us ponder on the good times. Ya know when the Jonas brothers were incapable of growing facial hair and I didn't fully understand what a dick looks like
…wtf were in those pills mom gave me
My Mormon mother just found a butt-plug in our AirBnB closet.
So...I know we have a conversation later this week. But one of the key things I want to know is if I can specify having my body mummified and buried in Egypt (or at least nearby the Luxor in Vegas). How much money do you think that would cost? Do I need to increase my life insurance policy?
Thanks for loaning me your shower and panties. My hubby is awesome, but I shouldn’t go home commando, smelling like lube and sperm again
Randomize
