This pizza tastes like mashed potatoes. HOW HIGH DO YOU THINK I AM?
So high. I just took a picture of my chewed gum so I can remember to paint a picture of it as a cloud later.
God you better not be texting me after just having sex with someone from craigslist
How am I suppose to fully love you when you cant even open up and try to fulfill my midget fantasy
God that barista is texting me bout his life like i care i mean dude just hook me up with free coffee thats why i gave you my number
Btw, just wanna point out that you've hooked up with two guys whose birthdays are today. Congratulations, you have a type!
Sometimes I think I have so much sex with you to be sure you're actually straight.
Blow job season was short but glorious.
I feel violated by Miley Cirrus's performance in the VMA's.
my roommate was being a bitch so I changed my Netflix password on her. 21st century slap in the face ladies and gentleman
I just need you to appreciate that this is the first time I've ever been cut off and it's at an airport bar in Philly before 1 o'clock in the afternoon.
In the officer's defense, I was indeed pantless at the time he cuffed me, but there's a perfectly good explanation.
I just found a bag of chex mix in my clutch
You were feeding it to the bartender last night
My one night stand from last weekend is now taking me on a date this weekend. How is this my life?
How you run into a glAss door three times in a row I do not know
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