please just be careful, i just switched my facebook status to "in a relationship", i would look really pathetic if i had to change it back to "single" already
I think I've officially made out with the entire starbucks staff.
Pregaming before going to drink with a girl from Russia. Please make sure I'm not dead in the morning.
When you give the bridesmaid toast someday at my wedding I need you to quote Ricky Bobby in some form. And slip in your sister has the vagina of awesomeness. That is all.
More cowboy butts than you can shake a stick at, oh joy.
Totally just drove past you riding your bike. I was like damn, that looks like a cute little hipster boy, and then I realized it was you and that I'd already banged you and it kinda made my day. I hope you're well. Come over soon?
I got whiskey, so I think the blizzard and I are at an even match
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
wanna come over? I have movies.
sure, what movies
porn or disney, your choice
Just gave my thesis presentation, pretty sure I made out with the admissions woman last night.
I don't know how it happened. All I did was tell her I was impressed by her presentation. Her nail marks on my back ain't going away anytime soon.
I suppose what I've learned from this experience is that sometimes you just have to make out with a narcissistic baby daddy to make a clean getaway.
After an hour of searching for my pants, we had three people looking. They were finally found in the oven.
New holiday tradition. Eat all the Xanax in the am, then wake up later after festivities and eat all the leftovers
The reason why I poison my organs is so that you guys can't sell them.
Randomize
