my periods are so regular now that they are sync-ed with my subscriptions of vogue.
I'm quitting my job and I'm just going to become a professional drunk girls mistake.
He keeps asking me for girl advice, i told him im an expert at getting drunk, not girls
Finals week has gone away, doo dah doo dah, drink martinis naked day oh da doo dah day
good it was pretty cute, also what would bong water do to a puppy?
if girls can go out in miniskirts and reveal their thongs, I should be able to wear a sheer dress with boyshorts with the word love bedazzled on my ass.
This is why you're my favorite.
Hello, the Less Drunk that has my sister's phone. I am the Moderately Drunk. I am questioning your Friday activities. Why are you not the More Drunk?
If we're single and alone together, the fuck angels shall sing upon our nude bodies.
drunk in woodshop so don't even say "I SAWWW THIS COMING." I know you're thinking it.
I drank enough to tranq a steed. You really missed out
I've decided if you aren't here in fifteen minutes I'm leaving you for Mario the 75 year old Colombian bartender.
You just sent me an audio message of you peeing. That’s true love right there.
You tried to fight someone about spaghetti o’s?
That hungover.
If everyone felt the happiness from apple crown royal we would be in a better place
Reminder to self: never have sex on a trampoline. Trampoline burn hurts worse than carpet burn.
Randomize
