Just got kicked out of the ocean for being "unsafe".
Oh my god he is having a sentimental moment right now.
He just sent me like a really heartfelt confession of love in which he ended with "make the apt, I'll hold your hand while you get your clit pierced."
You brought back some girl with you at 3am and introduced her to everyone as "hot pocket"
bro i finally banged her last night on our basement couch
I'm at this frat party right now and yelled "my little 16 year old brother finally lost his virginity." They gave you a standing ovation
I took your shirt off for you after you threw up on yourself, read you the ugly duckling, and then tucked you in. you better fucking love me, jackass.
Two things. 1 - I want to apologize for my drunkeness last night. 2 - I want to pre-apologize for my anticipated drunkeness tonight.
No. Her boobs are the one spot of warmth in my life right now and I will not let you take them from me.
The cabbie told us to at least pretend we weren't doing coke while he was driving
She kept telling people I wrecked her brain. That high.
Don't linger or you will get sucked into spending the night. Remember the mission mantra: GET OFF
If I die young bury me in satin. And make sure there's a taco bar at my funeral.
Turns out I tore my ACL when I fell off the mechanical bull.. Happy bday to me
Whoever was the bastard/bitch/genius who duct taped my keys to my dick so I wouldn't lose them. I hate you.
This is the fourth guy that I've broken in to gay sex. How the hell do they find me?
Positive reviews on angieslist?
So do you guys remember Danny from Tinder?
Sorry I only remember personality traits, not names.
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