Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
dude you were so wasted last night you ate a sandwich made out of tomatos, cheese, doritos, salt & pepper. Then you heated it in the micro for 5 min to melt the cheese.
note to self..putting cheap vodka in a bottle of grey goose does not make it taste better
he showed up at my house with a hand-stiched sweater that said "girlfriend?"
I told you I was good to drive
dumbass I drove... you sat in the passengers seat and steered with a paper plate
his Mom's staying with him so he asked if I'd go over and fuck in his shed. he said "it's a really nice shed"
Dude i don't know we had to beg the bouncer to let us in because you were bleeding everywhere and he saw you run into a dumpster
I asked him how his night was and he sent me a picture of a bottle of Ciroc with a bendy straw...
I asked if anyone's pants felt wet on the bottom, like a half hour after mine did. I had just peed my pants i had gotten so high no biggie
So far I've taken two naps, went out and bought a pizza called the Hipster, and in 15 min I'm gonna make a snow angel. Conquering Snowlandia. How bout you?
What's life without a pregnancy scare?
Things that don't wash off in the shower: black eyes and hickies.
You can't leave me alone in times of distress because I will fuck things 🙈😐
I believe the only reason I am slightly functional right now is the leftover drugs in my nose that I keep sniffing
I was asked to be part of a mmf threesome. I think I'd rather stay home, watching Orange is the New Black and cuddle with my cat though
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