Todays outfit involves shorts with embroidered fish. This kids gonna die.
I'm home alone watching The Hills seasons, eating pickles and drinking straight rye. I just googled "how to make friends". Probably not the most pro-active solution. Help.
i just sent my parents are gone come over I have condoms to my mom because Derek changed my numbers while I was passed out
She celebrated a negative pregnancy test by going out to Quizno's. I really don't understand her at all.
I feel like a food baby is going to burst from my stomach and eat all the leftovers until another food baby rips out of its stomach. And so on. It's truly a merry Christmas.
You asked her to play "the coma game" with you while hooking up, and then passed out in her bed. She couldn't wake you up so she slept on the floor.
Looks like I won that one
I saw pigeons eating ur dried up puke today. Last night was fucking great
American Eric just peed on us from the second floor. Hes now very confused as to why his "toilet is yelling." Send help.
This strip club is mediocre. Talent is fine. Fung shui is bad.
I just gave him road head. He came in the Taco Bell drive thru which seems pretty typical for my life.
This is not the first time I've recognized my body is subconsciously trying to make pizza.
Meeting him up for him to pay half of the Plan B was awkward but worth it cause I'm broke as fuck
He was like the most intimidating looking guy you've seen in your life except he was really shittily doing the two step
I guess daylight savings isn't a holiday we need to celebrate for three days...
Oh god I found a set of car keys in my pocket, and I have no idea who's they are
Randomize
