I DID IT WITH MY SOCKS ON!
never try to heat up a hot pocket in the dryer if ur microwave breaks...bad idea.
You told me you were allowed to keep eating butter because it had just passed midnight and you were on the next day's daily fat servings
I don't remember her missing an ear while we were at the bar
Hi. I probably already told you this mid puke, but thanks again for babysitting me last night. How did I get in the car?
I knew I fucked up when I woke up with the meat scissors in my hand.
You stuck your entire fist into a full jar of peanut butter and starting assaulting people
True friends don't judge, they just try to have more booty calls than you do.
All I am going to say is this: I woke up with lots of bruises on my knees from running around on all fours being a 'dinosaur'. Either girls night in went terribly wrong or terribly right.
If I got to choose how I die, it would be in an Olympic sized pool of gin and tonic.
She's lucky her pussy is worth listening to her ramble about bedroom furniture for 30 minutes
Fair warning: I will be throwing corn dogs at you every time I see you this week.
My liver appreciates your vow of avoiding matrimony
And then before we had sex he was quoting space jam to me
You didn't throw up on me, you threw up on yourself and then tried to give me a hug
Randomize
