Saw some pubes in our toilet, hope the new look works out tonight.
It didn't go so well. He got drunk and asked my dad if 'front or back' virginity mattered more.
i ran around the party telling everyone that my favorite sexual position was also the only position that made me queef...i kept calling it the "double edged sword"
She just sucked the buffalo sauce out of my beard. I've never been so disgusted and hard in my life.
shattered his nose in 8 pieces. Blaming it on the dog. I feel more guilty about ruining the dog's good name than I do about ruining his nose.
She gave him a lap dance on the glass table. You can guess how that ended
Second wind. Either that or my heart is about to explode. I'm hoping the first one.
Guess the answer to the last 2 texts right and you'll get a boob shot tonight. Guess wrong and it will be a picture of a used, boogery kleenex.
They conduct scientific research memoirs about what sort of shit happened last night after I ate those cookies.
I'm reffing a fight in Fight Club I don't even know what I'm doing
Dude there is a stripper at my door saying she has my birthday present. She knows my name...but it's not my birthday...
God works in mysterious ways my friend.
i took a magical journey through the park for about two hours. it was amazing and everything was fantastical. i have been informed someone babysat me through that shit.
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
You showed up at my house at 4am with a bloody nose, one shoe and a bucket of chicken... I live no where near a place that sells chicken in a bucket..
Well that would explain the bones in my purse.
The magnum condom fits. I feel like a manly version of cinderella
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