Why can't we have signs that automatically flash on our foreheads that say not interested when gross ugly guys come around, like those glasses that get dark when the sun comes out?
i was just texting to let you know that my facebook chat is working again so you can talk to me more. please talk to me more.
She has an album entitled "my photography", which consists of about 80 different pictures of a tractor that she took on her cell phone. I'm all for freedom of expression, but come on.
I don't know how many crown and cokes he went through but I know it was more that I have fingers. We are never leaving Texas.
You need to stop blackout tweeting at him to have sex with you on the roof of your dorm. He doesn't even have a twitter.
Everyone is slow dancing to Aerosmith. I am serenading a slice of pizza.
you know you have a brother who cares when he hands you a piece of pizza before you pass out from too many bong hits
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
"I made out with someone too, but then he tried to fuck and I played dead"
why is "bang the student affairs grad assistant" the third highest thing on your semester goals list
He was licking my ear while recommending that I shop at IKEA. I think he's my perfect guy.
Is it totally acceptable to fuck a co-worker even though we don't speak the same language?
Why do you even have to ask me that question
Got a blowjob while watching James Bond's "Octopussy." My 13 year old self would be so proud
Who cares if he’s younger, he’s hung like a moose. Your vagina will never forgive you if you pass on that dick
It's official we're now working from home permanently. I'm getting paid to have sex and sandwiches. I hit the lottery.
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